"Y U SO LUCKY!?"

Mary Oliver once said, "keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable." I don't know about you but going to New York City was definitely filed under 'unimaginable' for me. Well, to be more specific, going to New York City - for free.

There are dreams I often tell other people - like how I want to be a successful journalist or go bungee jumping or find Mr. Right. And then there are dreams I feel so out of reach or ambitious I just want to keep it to myself - and going to New York City is one of them.

And boy I did.

I went to New York.

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of.

I did? I really did.

I know it's NOT THAT impossible to go to New York, people go there all the time, and with enough money you can go there anytime too but I mean, I'm not rich per se. Even if I do have money I'll feel sort of guilty to splurge it on a trip like that when I can use it for other important things - my education, a car or a house later on, etc etc.

So I couldn't be more THRILLED that I won a contest that not only will send me to watch Taylor Swift live in concert - but also to go to the #1 place I've always, always wanted to visit.

I'm sorry I just still can't believe I, ANIS FILZA, a girl from an unknown small town actually WENT. TO. NEW YORK CITY. And it wasn't all just a dream. I didn't make that up. A lot of people were like DA FUQ ANIS YOU WON ANOTHER CONTEST WHY ARE YOU SO LUCKY!?

The truth is I was a top student in Potions at Hogwarts and managed to brew myself a Felix Felicis, obviously. Ssshhhh. That was top secret I never told any Muggle about but because you read my blog I guess you're entitled to know.

I wish it's just as easy as I entered a contest - I won - off flying to New York!!

NO. It's WAAAAYYY MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT. It was, an emotional roller-coaster ride like I've never felt before. I swear being in a relationship with a bipolar person probably isn't this, bumpy. Not that I've been in a relationship with a bipolar person.. but uhm okay sit back. This is going to take awhile!

I guess I should blog about the trip but.. I dropped and spoilt my camera on Day 3 so I don't have the complete photos of where we went, what we did etc so I would have to wait for the pictures from my friend. So for now I'll just tell the story of how I won the contest.. because a lot of people have been asking me about that.

This is sort of, behind the scene of the whole thing ;)
This is going to be S U P E R, D U P E R long.



July/August 2011.

It all started from a text message by my awesome friend, the one and only, Satpal.
I don't remember the exact date but it must've been in July/August. He mentioned there's this contest by hitz.fm that sends the winner to catch their favorite singers (Katy Perry, Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Linkin Park) live in concert, overseas. So I went to hitz's website and true enough, there it was.

All I had to do is:

1) Submit a slogan (along with my details).
2) If my slogan is chosen, I would get a call back from a hitz announcer
3) I have to answer as many questions as I can about Taylor Swift in 30 seconds. If I got the highest marks by the end of the contest, I'll win!

Sounds simple enough.

Okay let me just take a break for a second blogging about this just brings back all of the feelings back then like the hopelessness the longing the how bad I want it I'm sorry


Okay I'm back.


I was contemplating whether should I enter it or not, should I or should I not. I've been to her concert before, I've met Taylor for God's sake. But it's in NEW YORK. I loved New York way before I love Taylor Swift - FACT. I had nothing to lose.. sort of. The contest actually was sponsored by CIMB Bank as well, and I was not a CIMB account holder. IF I win the contest, I'll only get ONE ticket. Whereas if I am a CIMB account holder, I'd get FOUR. So I made an account, which is free (I think?) but I need to deposit at least RM50 in the account. But I mean RM50 is NOTHING compared to a trip to New York.. so I don't feel guilty about it now :P

In these moments before I entered the contest I turned to my good friend, Hema a lot. I think it must've been because she's a psychology major that she helped me so much, but mostly it comes down to because she's just a really really good friend. And a good listener. I love her so much :)!

It's the good ol' saying that helped me made up my mind - that you're going to regret for the things you didn't do rather than what you did. I don't want to stuck with 'what if's for the rest of my life!

I came up with 2 slogans, and after asking around which one is better, I decided to go with.. one of the slogans I came up with? HAHAH. It was nerve-wrecking when I hit the submit button. Did it go through what if they didn't receive it should I send another but if I do would that make me disqualified

I'm such a paranoid person I'm annoying myself.



18 August 2011 - Thursday.

I received a call from hitz.fm. My phone was on silent (but on vibrate) and I'm so glad I didn't miss it! If not I would never forgive myself. I freaked out a little thinking is this where they're gonna ask me questions I'm SO not ready!

Turned out they're just basically informing me any of the hitz announcer will give me a call, on Monday - to ask me the questions. Time? Don't know.

And so I Googled everything there is to know about Taylor Swift that if the subject Taylor Swift 101 is offered in college, I'd get A+ FO SHO, NO DOUBT.


22 August 2011 - Monday.

Boy this is one day I don't want to relive again! But I have to if I want to write about it.

Since the hitz.fm guy said the time is not fixed as to when they're gonna call me, I waited the whole day. I was clinging on to my phone the whole day and even in class I put my phone on the table just so I won't miss it.

Then around 12.30 p.m. I think I listened to the radio on my iPod and heard Adam (one of the announcers) called someone to ask questions about Katy Perry (meaning to win tickets to see Katy Perry). Oh my God my heart was beating so fast. I don't even know why exactly. On the website they said they're gonna call 5 people each day so that's one caller down. My turn could be anytime now!!

1 p.m.

3 p.m.

6 p.m.

Still nothing. Throughout the day I think I heard they called someone for Rihanna or Linkin Park too, but I'm not sure. But whatever I'm not competing against them so I don't really pay much attention. THEN. AROUND 8 P.M. THEY CALLED SOMEONE. FOR TAYLOR SWIFT.

AND SHE GOT 4 CORRECT ANSWERS. I WAS LIKE, HOLY GUACAMOLE. I mean not that 4 is a big number but more like they already called someone for Taylor Swift? :(((( Does that mean they're not gonna call me? I swear at that point I was ready to give up. Maybe they mixed up and forgot to call me.. sighhhh.

BUT THEN.

AROUND 10.17 P.M.
MY PHONE RANG.

And it was Jin & Ryan. THIS IS IT. I remember I was actually getting ready to go out to have dinner with my family but I stopped whatever I was doing and focus on the telephone conversation.
They actually asked me about my details first, maybe to make sure I am indeed the contestant. My IC number, phone number, address etc.

And then they asked The Questions. It was actually really simple questions, about her birthday, her album etc. Nothing too personal or anything. Like everything was on her Wikipedia page, to put it simply.

I got a total of 7 correct answers. (I actually recorded the thing when it aired - maybe I'll try to upload it here later). There was 1 or 2 questions where I couldn't hear properly and I felt like I could've gotten at least 8 marks! I used to beat myself up for it. (By now you probably think I'm so hard on myself - and you're right.)

Was I relieved that it was over? Not really. That was the first day of the contest.

The contest is gonna go on for a month.

A MONTH.

4 WEEKS.

OF SUFFERING.





23 August 2011 - 16 September 2011.

I became obsessed with listening to hitz.fm. They have a lot of advertisements and by the end of the contest I felt like I can recite each and every one of the ads I'm not kidding.

I think they sort of have a pattern as to the time when they're gonna call someone, but it's not fixed. And my heart was beating 100 beats per second whenever they called someone for Taylor Swift! I was a total wreck. On average I think a lot of people got 5, but I was nowhere comfortable with my position.

And to this day, I sort of become numb and just CAN'T STAND listening to the radio anymore unless I'm in the car. The radio in my room hasn't been turned on since then. When you listen to the radio from 10 a.m. - 12 a.m. every weekday for 4 weeks, trust me you'll be the same.



19 September - 23 September 2011.

I know this is the week they're gonna announce the winners on air so I waited patiently. At this point, from my calculation, I'm still leading. But I can't know that for sure.

One night I heard they called 2 people for Katy Perry, because it's a tie. And in case of a tie there's going to be a sudden death - whoever answered the question correctly first - he/she wins.

And then few days after that, SUDDENLY, I heard on-air, they called these 2 girls, because THEY'RE TIED WITH 6 MARKS to win the trip for Taylor Swift concert. SIX. I GOT 7. I WAS IN TOTAL RAGE. They were asked one question about this one award Taylor Swift won (which I totally knew the answer) and of course, one of the girls got it right and she screamed in total joy because she won (of course I would totally do the same, not hating her or anything).

THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME.
I MEAN, THERE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A SUDDEN DEATH. I was the CLEAR WINNER!
I was throwing tantrum around the house (sort of). I've never been more confused, mad and sad at the same time.

After cooling down a little, I decided to call hitz. Now you should know a LOT of people are trying to get through as well. You know, it's a radio station. A popular one too. Hitz was also organizing this, revenge of the chicken contest or something at the time for people to win lots of cash.

But, just my luck, I got through on the first try.
I spoke to Ryan and when I asked about the contest he must've thought I was asking how I can enter because he was like, oh sorry the contest is over, something like that. But then I explained yeah I actually participated in the contest and I got 7 correct answers, he was taken aback for a second. He asked me my IC number etc etc and he checked in the system and then he said the next morning, the promotion manager will call me to sort things out.

At least that phone call made the night sleepable (is that even a word?).

So did they call the next morning? Of course not. I was miserable! I decided to wait till evening. And then when I called nobody picked up. Of course. Then either they called me back or I called again I'm not sure, but I managed to ask the 'promotion manager' so who actually won the contest? And the guy replied 'you'. I was ECSTATIC but I didn't exactly tweet and calling everyone I know about it. In fact after that I asked, "Really!? Can I like jump and scream now!?" he said I have to wait till Jin and Ryan call me.

And then he said they're still trying to sort things out and they'll call me again, latest end of that week (the call took place in Wednesday I think).
Did they call me end of that week? OF COURSE NOT. These mind games were driving me crazy!

3 October 2011 - 13 October 2011.

I waited till the NEXT week before I called them up again. It was in the morning and when the same guy picked up the phone, he sounded annoyed. I was like HELL, BRO YOU WANT TO BE ANNOYED? I WAS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT 24/7 WAITING FOR YOUR CALL. Because honestly. Whenever someone called me I tried to end the phone conversation as soon as possible because I was scared hitz might be calling me but can't get through.

Again, the same answer. We're still sorting things out. FFFFUUUUU.

But FINALLY, he called me again that evening. And FINALLY, he announced on the phone that I am indeed the 'winner for the CIMB Youth Global Gig' - officially. I was in the train and I felt like I wanted to break out into a musical. After all everyone in the train will somehow magically also know the dance moves and sing along, right?

Okay maybe not. Actually I already knew, that I am the winner, so not like I was freaking out and flailing and kicking and screaming and all in the train. Then after he told me that, he asked for my email.

I wish the story continues happily with we exchanged emails regarding the details for the trip, the flights, hotel yadda yadda yadda.

NO.

It was another round of hell for me (and my dad). In the first email he basically asked me to give him the names and details of people who'll be going with me for the trip (phew glad I made that CIMB account now - I got to choose 4 people! That took me and my parents awhile to decide). Also, the concert will be on 22nd November and we'll be flying off on 20th November. That's all. After that, NOTHING.

NADA.

Except there was one night where Jin & Ryan called me just to record my voice (and air it later) saying "Taylor Swift! You belong with me! And I'm gonna see her live! WOOOOHHH"
Yeah they came up with that. I just went with it and screamed as loud and excited as I can despite having a little bit of cold but then I thought ...I may or may not just proclaimed my lesbian love for Taylor Swift on national radio by saying she belongs with me...

LOLOLOL.

I mean if it were up to me I'd probably scream "UH HUH THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHEEEES! I'm gonna see Taylor Swift LIVE in New York! You want to be me but you can't be me~~."
(The last part was sort of a song Dr. Yang sang in Grey's Anatomy when she won the hotdog eating competition... never mind.)

They were asking me like who am I bringing and stuff, and they said Ean (in the morning crew) will come along too. I thought they were joking and I jokingly replied 'whaaat I don't want him to come!'

They were serious. Oh. Awkwaaaaard. (But yeah ended up Ean didn't come, but Ryan did which is fine by me.)

Back to details about the trip.

He (the promotion manager) also mentioned in the email I would need to get my US visa, but I was waiting for him to give me the complete details as to when exactly I'll be flying off, the hotel I'll be staying etc. Plus it'll cost RM 448 to apply for one, and we (me, my dad) don't want to spend money on that if no 'solid details' were given to CONFIRM that we indeed will be flying off to New York.

2 weeks went by - STILL NOTHING. No email whatsoever.

1 November 2011.

I emailed him (his name is Nicholas, I just remembered) saying it's been more than 2 weeks, any update?
And he replied "We’re still confirming the dates for you departure…once we have a firm details I will share with you ASAP ok?

So sorry for the delay…"

Maybe it's because I was just mad but I HATE IT SO MUCH when people write ....
The so many dots! UGH. And it was 1 November, less than a month before the departure date and they still don't have any details whatsoever? How efficient.


2 November 2011.

So I decided to just go apply for a visa, maybe they'll give me the details later. It was a HIGHLY TEDIOUS process! Had to fill up a lot of forms etc etc. And then we were stuck on one question.

iv. Where will you be staying in the United States? (something like that)

Of course, we freaking don't know the answer. When I emailed the guy to know the name of the hotel, I got an immediate reply.

Saying HE'S FREAKING AWAY ON HOLIDAY.

ON. HOLIDAY.

When I'm stuck here because I can't apply for a visa because I don't know where I'll be staying and the dude. IS. OFF. ON A HOLIDAY!?

I was mad, y'all. MAD. IN RAGE.

Note that this is like, 2 weeks before 20 November and I still don't have my visa. The embassy website states it might take up to 60 days to process one. I was thisclose to losing hope! I didn't have any choice but to wait for the freaking dude who's on holiday to reply my email.

8 November 2011.

FINALLY. Look who's back from a sweet, sweet holiday. When he did give me the hotel name and address,I wrapped up the application process and next - the visa interview.

I had to book a date for the interview and the earliest date we can get is on Wednesday, 16 November 2011. SIXTEEN NOVEMBER - I'll be flying off that Sunday, 20 November. No visa, no New York. Damn I SO wish I was a Singaporean at that time - Singaporeans don't have to apply a visa to go to the States! How lucky.


16 November 2011 - Wednesday.
Visa interview.

Now the word interview is enough to give me the shivers. This one is more important than getting a job, this is what determines if my dreams are going to be realized - or broken.

We (me, my dad, my brother, and my friend Abu) arrived at the embassy around 7 a.m., because our interview is at 7.40 a.m. Quite a number of people already queued, and the line behind us was getting longer.
We had to leave our phones, camera etc at the guard house, then took our number, then got our fingerprints scanned.

Me, my dad and my brother went together, because families got interviewed as one. And omg this is one experience I'll never forget.

The interviewer wasn't, strict or anything. (Also, he looks Asian. Asian-American maybe). But he asked lots of questions such as (to my dad) why is your wife not following, why is your other daughter not coming with you yadda yadda yadda. Then I think the turning point was when my dad mentioned that we're going because only 4 tickets were given in the contest that my daughter won, another one is for her friend, to see Taylor Swift live in concert. He was like, Ooh the singer?
I had the official letter from hitz saying that I won the contest but the consular didn't want to see it! He just asked me to explain. (This is soooort of how the conversation went.)

Interviewer : Well congratulations. (I thought that was nice of him to say!) What did you have to do for the contest?
Me : I had to answer questions about Taylor Swift in the fastest time --
Interviewer : What were among the questions they asked?
Me : Like when is her birthday, her album..
Interviewer : When is Taylor Swift's birthday?
Me : 13 December.

And he actually Googled it! Omg HAHAHAHAH. He's officially cool in my book 8)
Then he said, "that was correct, December 13, which is coming soon. *computer click click* I'm impressed. How would you know THAT?" Which I replied with an awkward laugh hah hah I'm a big fan.." :))

But then shortly after that I heard : "Your visa is approved..

YAAYYYYY!

.. and you can collect it on Friday."

ALKSDHLKSHDF'LASKJDF';JASDFLKAHDFLHASLDFHASLDKFHALSDYAY

It was, perfect. Absolute perfection. The visa will be done just in time for me to fly to New York on Sunday!!! :')


I think if I ever get to meet Taylor Swift again, I'd definitely tell this story to her. She'll probably laugh her head off! So what determines if a person gets to come to the United States is my birthday!?


Speaking of perfection, I actually have a chemistry test and a presentation in the week I'll be gone to New York. That's 10% of my coursework. I was actually thinking of dropping the subject because 10% is A LOT, maybe I can retake it next semester.. (oh the sacrifices I would make for New York! Lulz.)

BUT THEN, just when I was about to ask my lecturer if there's anyway I can retake the test or something, she announced that the test AND the presentation has been brought up to earlier dates, the Thursday and Friday (meaning that Sunday I'll be flying off). Also, bless my parents for giving me a name that starts with A, otherwise my presentation would be the next week since we go by alphabetical order.

Things couldn't have worked out more perfectly. If it weren't for the stupid hitz people who keeps postponing and always 'still sorting things out' that my dad had to call the travel agency to get the flight details - the travel agency people said they've had the itinerary for a long time, just that NOBODY PURSUES THEM FOR IT. Meaning hitz (read : the Nicholas guy) could've called the travel agency and GET the details FROM them and EMAIL it to me, but noooo they're forever 'still sorting things out'. PSSHH. Lazybone! Jeopardize my dream, more like.

If not for that one thing, everything else would've been smoother! Alas, I'm still grateful.
I know I wrote that I'm mad a lot of times - because it's true - but if it weren't for hitz.fm, the trip to NYC would not have been possible. So I'm still thankful and I forgive them for the times they made me mad LOLOL.

OH forgot to mention - and just to warn that this is going to make you jealous-er (haha) - I also won a total RM 5000 spending money from hitz! :)) Which I gave half to my parents and then half for me to spend in New York, and also to like buy my jackets and other stuff for fall/pre-winter weather in New York.

Me and Abu went all the way to the Astro office on Tuesday, 15 November, the day before the interview and got lost for an hour before we actually found the place. Crazy traffic! But it was all worth it when I saw the cheque, and my concert ticket!! I'll definitely think of that moment if I were to conjure a Patronus soon. With this much happiness Dementors are bound to haunt me. Ugh.




That's pretty much it! If you read every word in this post, thank you so much and YOU, sir, are in my List of Awesome People. Next post is going to be (another super long post) about my NYC trip!! YAY can't wait to write about that... after my finals next week. Whoop dee doop.



ps; I suck at explaining so if there's anything unclear or if you want to ask me anything, hit up my formspring!

The only way out is through.

So there was this one band I used to love. And in one of their songs, there's a line that goes : 'We're all addicted to something that takes away the pain.'

I thought nothing of the song at first, didn't even put it in my iPod. The first thing that came to my mind is, oh maybe addicted to drugs or alcohol or cutting, you know something along those lines. But I realized it doesn't need to be that extreme.

I look at myself and realize I have an addiction too, with internet, tv shows, books, music. Something you can escape to and forget your problems. I thank and feel grateful for that 44 minutes of an episode of The Walking Dead. The 21 minutes of The Big Bang Theory.

Or the 2 hours of a great movie. Which often starts from 'see nobody's life is perfect' to 'oh lol who am I kidding they have happy endings from where they live.'

But that can be bad thing; putting off feeling that, heartache. (Man I sound like someone who just got out of a relationship.) Like Dumbledore said, "Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."

I'd like to think all these little problems I have is nothing, I'm just being dramatic it's not as bad as I think it is blah blah blah. But curse you, sleepless nights. Eyebags in the morning. How I wish we just have an ON/OFF button.

I suddenly remembered this one quote in Tuesdays With Morrie. About detaching yourself. I love the whole chapter where they talk about emotions. It basically tells you to feel, really feel the emotions you're feeling. "Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help."

And I thought how true this is. I often hold back of what I'm feeling and be like, blah if I ignore it, it will go away soon enough. Or I feel stupid for feeling something and instead of acknowledging it, I just push it out of my mind. But it doesn't work that way. Sometimes when I'm bored or can't sleep in the middle of the night, those feelings come back to haunt. "[...] you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

We have to learn to detach.

"All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

"Okay. This is fear. Step away from it. Step away."

Not just fear. Frustrations, anger, sadness. Loneliness. Heartbroken. Any emotions you feel.

So that's what I'm trying to do now. When I'm sad for example, I try to get to the core, like this is how the pain in my heart feels. That feeling in your throat. The difficulty breathing, the sobbing. Let the tears flow. Just anything my body goes through, I try to make a mental note. And then I'll try to step away. It's just one of the many emotions I'm gonna feel. And even when I feel the same sadness again, I'd know when to detach myself.

"I'm not afraid of feeling [sadness], but now I'm going to put that [sadness] aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."

I don't watch a lot of Oprah but I know that A-HA moment when it happens. Reading that line really opens my eyes. I feel like I can control any emotions I feel now. I don't have to avoid it, but really experience it no matter how painful, how hard it hits me.

I think that's the problem with most people, they just keep the emotions bottled up inside. I don't mean bottle it up inside and not tell anyone what you're feeling, that's another different story. (Because I do it all the time too). This is about you helping yourself. In the end the only person that can help you is yourself, that's what they always told you isn't it? Nobody can help you drown yourself in the emotions and get out from it. But it's okay because you'll only come up stronger.

It's kind of like a clean break. Better to have your arms completely cut off than have it dangling around with wounds getting worse with every move you make.

"A clean break is easier. You can reset it, and it heals, and you move on, but if you leave things messy, and things don't get put right, then it just hurts, forever." - Joyce (The Little Black Book).



So that's what I'm gonna do from now. To detach myself, especially from regrets, worrying, over-thinking. Because damn it if emotions are stains, those 3 would be something even Clorox can't get rid of.




ps; I'm not exactly an eloquent writer, and that's why I borrowed a lot of quotes from books/movies, as inspirations. Or maybe that's what happens when you do too many assignments requiring you to 'cite it properly in APA format' yadda yadda yadda.


pss; If you haven't read Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom, go buy it now. Or you can read it in pdf here for free (link opens in new tab).